How to Love Yourself

If I were to ask you, how do you show yourself love, what would you say?

Many of us are enthralled by LOVE…meeting someone, falling in love, and being in love, but how many of us know how to love ourselves? Love is beautiful. It’s something every person wants in their life, including those who identify as loners. We are social beings with an innate need for love and a sense of belonging. If love is so beautiful and strongly desired, why are relationships often the source of our heartache? The reasons are too many to list, but at the root of those reasons lies the more important question that might lead to an answer: How do you love someone if you don’t know how to love yourself?

The thought may not occur to us when we are young and infatuated with a high school crush, but if we take the time to learn how to love ourselves, we can understand what it means to love another person and develop a healthy relationship. Loving yourself empowers you to be with someone for the right reasons, when you’re ready. That said, the most important relationship you’ll ever have in your life is with YOU. It’s a lifelong relationship. How you treat yourself matters!

Of course another question remains…how do we learn to love? Schools don’t offer a class on love and what it should look like, so where do these lessons come from? Understanding love comes from our experiences starting in childhood, and evolves throughout our lifetime.

When we are born, the first and most impactful relationships we form are with our parents or caregivers. Parents who develop healthy relationships with their children, showing them unconditional love and creating a sense of safety and security, help their children to establish a strong sense of self-worth and understand what a healthy relationship actually is - one filled with patience, understanding, acceptance, respect, trust, kindness, support, and so on. This is love. Behaviors and interactions, whether observed or experienced during childhood, begin teaching us about the concepts of love. It goes without saying that what we learn and observe as “normal” in childhood will determine how we view and treat ourselves and those around us. For this reason, I find it important to understand that we were not all raised in a healthy environment where we are taught or shown love and a healthy relationship. This includes how we see ourselves.

But you know what? You can break the chains of generational trauma. What you learned as “normal” during childhood does not have to become your future. You can choose not to repeat the mistakes of past generations. You can choose differently…how you see yourself, how you love, the type of relationship you want. It all starts with the awareness of your will power and choosing to love yourself. You are responsible for creating your own happiness.

If you feel that you don’t know what love is or how to love yourself - if you find that you’re struggling with self-doubt and low self-worth, do some soul searching. You can begin working on loving yourself by changing the way you see yourself. This is the first step. We can be our own worst critics, telling ourselves we are not enough. Becoming aware of these things will help you to change how you think and view yourself. It is important to remember to be patient with yourself. Your self-view was conditioned over time through various experiences. It takes time and practice to develop new ways of thinking, but this is where a therapist can help you along your journey.

The second step to loving yourself is to become mindful of various things like: Do you show yourself kindness? Are you patient and understanding with yourself as you are learning new things? As you are evolving, are you accepting the person you were as your past self has helped you to become your present or future self? Are you your own hype man or hype woman? (Yes we have to empower ourselves!) Are you engaging in practices that take care of your body, mind, and soul (self-care)? Are you putting yourself in healthy environments (relationships included) where you feel safe, supported, and empowered so you can grow and thrive? Are you taking the time to heal? Are you honest with yourself? Are you looking out for yourself and having your back? Are you keeping the promises you made to yourself? Are you acknowledging your progress? Are you advocating for yourself? Are you engaging in work or activities that bring you joy and instill a sense of purpose?

By reading these questions, you will begin to see that loving yourself means taking care of yourself and paying attention to your needs, goals, and values. Self love is more than just engaging in self care…it’s thinking and behaving in a way that consistently looks out for your wellbeing. It is being secure in who you are and how you feel about yourself.

Like I said, the most important relationship you’ll ever have in your life is the one you have with yourself. Choose to love yourself and know your worth. It has the potential to change your entire life.